when the end is near, cross your heart and hope to die
by The Cinder Crown
Summary: Spinner's End has always been a dark place. Especially when you're held there against your own will. When everything is taken from you. When your heart is imprisoned in an never-ending nightmare. Follow Eileen Prince as she recalls memories about a time long forgotten only minutes before she closes her eyes forever. Warning: Dark! Angsty! Suicide!


**Thank you Sophy and Jill for beta-ing this for me! #hugs**

 **i. Written for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition || Team Appleby Arrows || Round II -** Where are we going? **Beater II:** Spinners End

 **Prompts:**

 **#2.** (quote) Freedom is still the most radical idea of all. — Nathaniel Branden

 **#4.** (image) image . shutterstock / z / stock-photo-376350100 (Heart in a cage)

 **#9.** (word) past

 **ii. written for the FRIENDS competition ||** **2.18. TOW Eddie Won't Go:** Write about a relationship that's more about obsession than love. Alt. Write about a strong female character.

 **iii. written for the '100 Ways to say I love you' challenge ||** 63\. "Cross my heart and hope to die."

 **iv. written for the Honeydukes challenge at Hogwarts || Pepper Imps || [task]** Write a story that features two of the four elements. **[object]** Prefect badge (or Head Boy/Girl) **[color]** Viridian **[genre]** Angst **[emotion]** Sadness

 **v. written for the Theme challenge at HPFC** || Mind games #3. Write about a toxic relationship

 **Pairing** : Eileen Prince | Tobias Snape

 **!WARNING!** : suicide | abusive themes | angst

 **Words: 2,621**

* * *

 **When the end is near, cross your heart and hope to die**

* * *

The simple thought of freedom is usually taken for granted — at least by most people.

The liberty of going wherever your feet will take you, the chance to explore the world around you with all its magnificent shapes and landscapes, the great and astonishing variety of colours that are to be found all around you…

I always loved the dark, crimson red roses in my mother's garden, the bright ocean blue water that was rustling in the river; resembling a million of sapphires thrown together into one place, and the light of the sun above, so golden and bright that you closed your eyes and enjoyed the warmth whenever it shone upon your face.

Back then, I was one of those people; careless, reckless, oblivious.

I didn't appreciate the beauty of what was right in front of me. I didn't realize that being free was a privilege. The naïve little girl that had her raven black hair in lovely French braids, neatly tied together with colourful ribbons, never imagined what it would be like when this gift was taken away. Back then, my main priority was to gloat in front of my fellow Slytherin housemates, showing off with my pureblood heritage.

I never thought that, one day, everything would change. That now, I would do anything to feel the wet grass underneath my bare feet again, that I would break a window with my small fists in an attempt to breathe in the cold but dirty air of Spinner's End, completely oblivious to the sharp pain caused by the splinters of glass in my flesh.

I never believed that I would cry myself to sleep every single night, hoping to — if only for a couple of hours — escape the nightmare I was living, and that I would — like now — stand in front of an old and dusty mirror, looking at a woman, so hunched, sour-faced and sallow that I hardly recognise my face; or the face of the wreck I have become.

Like in trance, I use my cold fingers to trace the sharp, visible line of my collar bone. It was probably the only bone my husband had never managed to break.

Then I move my left hand to lift the dirty old rags I'm wearing and with a straight forward movement, I use my dagger to tear the fabric apart; revealing the only reminder I have that colours still exist in my world.

Glancing down, I see the outlines of my ribcage showing through the wrinkled, once ivory skin. I take in the dark blue, almost black bruises that cover my entire body — my by now twisted sense of humor even compares it to the violets I used to pick when I was little. Last but not least, I let my eyes wander over the many scars that never really healed properly.

For a moment, I don't move. The mere thoughts of how exactly my once so youthful and strong body had been turned into its current old and broken state sends chills down my spine.

I shake my head vehemently to dispose of the terrible pictures in my head, doing my best to replace them with calmer, happier ones. But the many decades I have spent in this house, right here in Spinner's End, had left their marks, and I can hardly recall anything remarkably positive about this place. There were some happy exceptions, I admit, but the many burdens I carry are almost suffocating me.

Taking a deep breath, I'm tightening the grip around my silvery dagger; albeit still staring at my own reflection in the mirror. My once raven-coloured hair is streaked with grey, my face wrinkled, and the thick, iron chain that Tobias has securely wrapped around my ankle all those years ago still cuts unpleasantly into my flesh. It's heavy, but luckily long enough so that I can walk around in the house—the kitchen, the pantry, and the bedroom, so my husband can have his fun without worrying that I might try to run away again. I tried it once. It didn't end well.

Like I said, freedom is a privilege; and in the end, I realise that if I had approached things differently in the past, my life might have turned out differently. If only I had kept my mouth shut, if only I hadn't told my father about Tobias, if only I had never confronted him… then my heart might have never been locked into this cage — this prison, this nightmare — without ever being given the chance to experience what it is really like to be truly loved by someone…

But that's the thing about life, isn't it? That no one can ever change the past, not matter how much they want to. All there's left is the possibility to change the present. I know that there is only one way out of this misery I called life. The only way to be free again. The only way to break my heart free out of its cage.

And as I glance down at the silvery blade of the dagger in my hand, I recall the memories of a time long forgotten…

.xXx.

The day my life turned upside down, I had been walking along the busy streets of Muggle London. When I turned a corner rather quickly, I ran straight into a handsome young man. My own stupidity caused me to lose my balance, but luckily, he reached out and caught me just seconds before I would have hit the ground. I looked up, surprised, but once my black eyes met his astonishing viridian ones, I got utterly lost in them.

I think I managed to stutter a quick 'thank you' nonetheless; at least, I hope so. It would have been utterly rude otherwise, though he seemed to be amused rather than offended at the display of my clumsiness. He only moved away a strand of my untamed black hair and softly brushed it back behind my ear before he flashed me an incredibly cute smile and asked me to accompany him to dinner some time.

Naturally, I couldn't resist such a face, and his high cheekbones were simply too attractive, as was his muscular body. We had a wonderful time, and what was supposed to be only a single meeting for dinner turned into a series of unexpected, secretive but at the same time very lovely dates.

I'm not sure whether it was the way Tobias looked at me, the way he had kissed me or the way he cared for me the first night we spent together, but in the end, it doesn't really matter. I felt loved. It was something new, something I wasn't used to at all. Because ever since my mother died, my father had grown distant, harsh, aggressive, and drunk.

.xXx.

The night I graduated from Hogwarts, I returned to my family's home — a great but ancient manor located close to the forest of Spinner's End.

Back then, I called it 'home', now this place is nothing more but a prison.

Admittedly, it had taken me some time, but eventually, I had worked up the courage to talk to my father; face to face.

When I entered, he had already been waiting for me in his study — a bottle of Scotch on his desk, already half emptied.

To this day, I'm not really sure what gave me away — it was probably the Head-girl Badge I wore proudly in an attempt to impress him with my outstanding achievements at Hogwarts. But as soon as he sat his eyes on me, I saw the anger sparkling in them like an untamed fire. It told me everything I needed to know. That he had figured it out. That my father somehow knew I was pregnant.

I didn't even get the chance to explain myself, to tell him that I had fallen in love, that I never agreed to marry one of the fellow pureblood-men that he had chosen to become my future husband.

He got up faster than I thought he could, given his already advanced age. I expected him to remove his wand from his robe, but apparently, I wasn't even worth to be punished with magic anymore. So he simply pushed the desk away, stepped forward and used his large hand to hit me straight in the face.

I still feel the pain that rippled through me where he had struck me, even all those decades later.

Afterwards, he pulled my hair, grabbed my chin and forced me to look him in the eyes. In those moments, I was beyond scared. Too scared to even think about using magic to defend myself.

My past self had never been sure why he hadn't killed me immediately. He shouted, screamed, thundered, burned me off the family tapestry; called me a slut, told me that I besmirched the good name of the Prince family, but after he beat me up — leaving me with several broken bones, bruises and a bleeding lip — he let me go. Just like that.

.xXx.

Looking back now, I should have known that this was not the end… especially after I caught a glimpse of the evil and wicked smile he had flashed me after he had thrown me out.

Of course, I ran straight through Spinner's End as fast as my tired feet would carry me. It wasn't far to the place Tobias and I had agreed to meet, but I was still completely out of breath once I arrived there.

Tobias, ever the caring man I had fallen in love with, had immediately taken me into his arm, comforted me the best way he could. He even tried to take care of the many wounds my father had caused and he carefully wiped away the blood that was spilling from a wound at my forehead.

My whole body had been shivering, tears were falling from my eyes, and my heart felt like it had shattered into a million little pieces.

Then, out of the blue, my father appeared; black robes swirling behind him, wand steady in his hand, and before I had the time to register what was happening, he pointed it straight at Tobias and the Unforgivable Curse struck him straight in the chest.

.xXx.

I screamed. I screamed louder than I ever had when I saw the green spell colliding with the man I loved. My knees gave in, and I crawled forward, already expecting to see his lifeless corpse on the ground.

But as I moved, Tobias sat up, holding his head. My heart skipped a beat and I launched myself straight into his arms; ignoring my father and his outstretched wand behind us.

I kissed him senselessly, told him how happy I was to see him alive, but when I looked into his eyes, I backed away.

They were cold and empty. The love and safety that has always been written in them had vanished, and the viridian colour of his iris was foggy and grey.

Something was wrong. I turned around to face my father, and this time, he didn't only flash me this wicked smile of his, no, he cackled in delight at seeing my frustration.

The blood was rushing through my veins. I started to shake Tobias' shoulders in a weak attempt to wake him up. My father's dark laugh in the background rang in my ears, and when he commanded Tobias to slap me in the face and break my wand, I realized that he had not cast the ' _Avada Kedavra'_ , but the Imperius Curse — bending Tobias' will so my father's instructions would be his command.

He even went this far as to marry the both of us — so that I would be bound to _'this worthless muggle'_ forever. Without my wand, it was not difficult for him to get the better of me and soon he had us both transported to the Prince' family manor right here in Spinner's End — trapping me in a place that would always remind me of him. He commanded Tobias to put the chain around my ankle then instructed him to be the worst version of himself — the worst husband one could ever be.

It was a fate much worse than death — being controlled and forced to do terrible things beyond everyone's imagination

He wanted to teach me a lesson — that believing in love only resulted in getting your life and heart locked up.

.xXx.

I don't know whether or not Tobias had fought the curse; in the following years, I could have sworn that sometimes there was a small, tiny flicker of his former self to be recognized in his eyes — but it never lasted long enough to heal my heart.

I tried my best to protect our child, but I think father's curse also forced Tobias to neglect his son — a terrible punishment for the both of us. He was alone most of the time, our poor boy. I would have left Tobias, for his sake, but the chain around my ankle prevented me from going with him. You cannot imagine how relieved I was when Severus had received his Hogwarts letter — the opportunity to escape the horror at Spinner's End.

.xXx.

To this day, I didn't know how I managed to stay alive all those years. But this morning, when I read the paper, I got the answer. The headline was bigger than it usually was, telling the people of the Wizarding World that the war against _'he-who-must-not-be-named_ ' had been won — and that the Headmaster had been killed in his game as a double agent.

It was then, that I realized that the thought of my son, being alive and safe far away from Spinner's End, had kept me alive.

And now that he is gone, there is nothing left for me. Nothing to fight for. Nothing to keep my caged up heart alive.

 _._ xXx.

So here I am, still standing in front of the mirror; my eyes red and filled with tears. It is time for me to leave the past behind, to free my heart.

I take matters into my own hands. In a place where you aren't allowed to voice your opinions, freedom is still the most radical idea of all. In order to be free — to destroy the cage that my heart had been put into — there was only one last, final and destroying option left for me to take.

Mere seconds pass until I watch the hot, crimson red blood dripping from my left wrist as I slash the sharp, silver blade of my dagger through it.

In its ironic way, this image is of such a frightening beauty that I have to stare at it for a moment; my dark and hollow eyes following the red liquid as it runs down my arm, splashing my gown and forming a pool of blood on the ground I'm standing on.

Slowly, I feel the energy leave my body, my fingers loosen the grip on the dagger and with a clattering sound it drops to the floor.

My eyes flutter, images of the horrible times I spent at Spinner's End that earlier flashed in front of my eyes are vanishing from my mind now and are replaced by the picture of a small, happily smiling, black-haired boy running towards me. Then, the last bit of light extinguishes, the darkness takes over, and my eyes finally close for good.

Yes, when the end is near, when the only people you love are taken from away, you cross your heart and hope to die.


End file.
